Being single for ten years kinda grew old on me. The first few years were fun because they were spent pampering myself and discovering my self-worth on my own - a kind of learning to love oneself journey. The years that followed became increasingly boring to say the least and it made me ask counter-intuitive questions that were supposed to have been answered in the previous years. I started doubting my worth again because I felt that now that I am finally ready to share my life with someone, no one seems to pay me the time of day to notice.
I can attribute it to a lot of factors but everyone who knows me has a strong consensus that I have become too walled up and protective of myself that I scare potential partners away. I can't say they're wrong but I can't accept that they're completely right about it either. In the years I have spent on my own, I may have overdone building my defenses. For the most part, I consciously built high and strong walls around me to fend off intruders. The thing about intruders is that they come and go and most of the time they loot your entire castle and you're left with nothing. So I did what I knew was the only logical step to prevent getting looted, I built myself a castle surrounded by walls that are so high you can barely see the castle behind them. One heartbreak is one too many for me and I've had more than a few heartbreaks. I don't think I can survive another one.
So, I went about my business and here we are, 10 years later, ruling a kingdom without a consort. What kingdom? - asks my best friend. To which I nonchalantly reply: the world. Keep telling yourself that and live in the world inside your head, he says. I fully intend to, I retort. Because the world in my head seems to be the only place where I can be myself and not be overly anxious to please the people around me. In my head, I rule a kingdom where my subjects are willingly devoted to me. In my head, everywhere you go in the kingdom is safe - there are no intruders that come in the dead of night to steal your most valuable possessions. It's the only place I know where I don't have to be anyone else other than myself for me to be loved.
So if one day you see me inside my castle with a consort by my side, know that he wasn't invited in. He made his way through the walls, past my knights and guards because to him, I am worth all the pain, scratches and broken bones. Because to him, conquering the walls meant that he would get to be with me. To him, I need not tear my walls down for him to come in because him tearing those walls down himself is his way of saying that he's not an intruder who intends to leave after getting his loot. He's telling me that he'll be the first to greet me in the morning and say "I hope all my mornings will be as perfect as this, lying here with you and waking up to the beauty of life that you represent."
A girl can dream. A queen? She reigns.
xoxo
QB
I can attribute it to a lot of factors but everyone who knows me has a strong consensus that I have become too walled up and protective of myself that I scare potential partners away. I can't say they're wrong but I can't accept that they're completely right about it either. In the years I have spent on my own, I may have overdone building my defenses. For the most part, I consciously built high and strong walls around me to fend off intruders. The thing about intruders is that they come and go and most of the time they loot your entire castle and you're left with nothing. So I did what I knew was the only logical step to prevent getting looted, I built myself a castle surrounded by walls that are so high you can barely see the castle behind them. One heartbreak is one too many for me and I've had more than a few heartbreaks. I don't think I can survive another one.
So, I went about my business and here we are, 10 years later, ruling a kingdom without a consort. What kingdom? - asks my best friend. To which I nonchalantly reply: the world. Keep telling yourself that and live in the world inside your head, he says. I fully intend to, I retort. Because the world in my head seems to be the only place where I can be myself and not be overly anxious to please the people around me. In my head, I rule a kingdom where my subjects are willingly devoted to me. In my head, everywhere you go in the kingdom is safe - there are no intruders that come in the dead of night to steal your most valuable possessions. It's the only place I know where I don't have to be anyone else other than myself for me to be loved.
So if one day you see me inside my castle with a consort by my side, know that he wasn't invited in. He made his way through the walls, past my knights and guards because to him, I am worth all the pain, scratches and broken bones. Because to him, conquering the walls meant that he would get to be with me. To him, I need not tear my walls down for him to come in because him tearing those walls down himself is his way of saying that he's not an intruder who intends to leave after getting his loot. He's telling me that he'll be the first to greet me in the morning and say "I hope all my mornings will be as perfect as this, lying here with you and waking up to the beauty of life that you represent."
A girl can dream. A queen? She reigns.
xoxo
QB
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