Ernest Hemingway once wrote: I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know? Well, it's no secret that we all love sleeping, some more than others. This queen, on the other hand, loves being up late at night. I feel that I am cheated of life when I sleep. It can also be because I love watching tv (or shows on my laptop). Credit that to the lack of tv when I was a kid.
For others, sleeping is a way to escape the harsh realities that confront them every day. It allows them to pause the incessant thoughts in their minds that list of all their concerns. If they're lucky, they may even get to dream sweet dreams where their wildest fantasies are turned to realities. Sleeping is what watching tv is to me. Every time I watch a show, be it a movie or a tv series or any kind of show that I like, I get transported into that world where I get to also live the lives of the characters and feel what they feel inside that reality. Living vicariously through others is how I feed myself with positivity. Guilty as charged.
Admittedly, I drown myself in made up realities like the ones I see on tv. I live vicariously through others because I could not find happiness in my own life. No, my life isn't completely depressing, in fact, I can say that I've had it good except for the fact that I am an emotional wreck, all the time. There is an insatiable need for me to validate my existence by affection and love - things I don't get when I need them. I've always had to be strong for myself so I kinda skipped the part of being cared for. So, in lieu of all things "normal," I try to live life in another world, where I might actually find happiness on my own. Just to clarify, I do not require validation from other people through their acceptance of me nor do I need anyone's approval to live my life. What I do yearn for is to be held as if I were the most precious thing and to live without me is inconceivable. The search is still on but for now, let us veer away from turning this letter into another sap fest.
Out of all the go-to shows that I turn to for comfort, Queer as Folk is by far my all-time favorite. It's an American-Canadian tv series centered on the lives of five gay men who are navigating their way through the ups and downs of life. Of these five characters, I relate most closely to Michael. He is best friends with Brian who is the show's main protagonist / antagonist. His story has much to do with the unrequited love he has for Brian. His devotion to their friendship has crossed obsession many times over to the point where he almost lost all sense of self. He's always around wherever and whenever Brian needs him, hoping that one day Brian will look at him the same way he looks at him. Well, that day never came. Throughout the course of the series, Michael showed selfless loyalty to Brian even if most of the time all he ever does is feed off of Michael's presence and doesn't give anything in return, so to say. Michael was not fazed by the fact that he will never have Brian the way he wants to. Brian's kisses will never mean as much to him as it does to Michael.
It's not so much about the unrequited love that gets me. It's the resolute stance to be there for Brian foregoing all his pain just because he loves him that much. Is that even remotely possible? How can anyone withstand that kind of torture? When should anyone in that kind of situation call it quits and move on? I can't answer that for you, much less for me. All my past relationships have been so bitter that I don't think I'm ever going to be able to give you an optimistic perspective. What I do know is that we have all been there too. We know how excruciating that pain is. So, how do we keep on going despite the pain?
We wait for the next episode, perhaps it will be the one we have all been waiting for. Hold that breath for a second and exhale it with glorious relief once that magical moment happens when all sorrows dissipate because of that one tender kiss that we have been eagerly wanting since the pilot. If it doesn't happen, well you can always turn the tv off or find yourself another series to watch.
xoxo
QB
For others, sleeping is a way to escape the harsh realities that confront them every day. It allows them to pause the incessant thoughts in their minds that list of all their concerns. If they're lucky, they may even get to dream sweet dreams where their wildest fantasies are turned to realities. Sleeping is what watching tv is to me. Every time I watch a show, be it a movie or a tv series or any kind of show that I like, I get transported into that world where I get to also live the lives of the characters and feel what they feel inside that reality. Living vicariously through others is how I feed myself with positivity. Guilty as charged.
Admittedly, I drown myself in made up realities like the ones I see on tv. I live vicariously through others because I could not find happiness in my own life. No, my life isn't completely depressing, in fact, I can say that I've had it good except for the fact that I am an emotional wreck, all the time. There is an insatiable need for me to validate my existence by affection and love - things I don't get when I need them. I've always had to be strong for myself so I kinda skipped the part of being cared for. So, in lieu of all things "normal," I try to live life in another world, where I might actually find happiness on my own. Just to clarify, I do not require validation from other people through their acceptance of me nor do I need anyone's approval to live my life. What I do yearn for is to be held as if I were the most precious thing and to live without me is inconceivable. The search is still on but for now, let us veer away from turning this letter into another sap fest.
Out of all the go-to shows that I turn to for comfort, Queer as Folk is by far my all-time favorite. It's an American-Canadian tv series centered on the lives of five gay men who are navigating their way through the ups and downs of life. Of these five characters, I relate most closely to Michael. He is best friends with Brian who is the show's main protagonist / antagonist. His story has much to do with the unrequited love he has for Brian. His devotion to their friendship has crossed obsession many times over to the point where he almost lost all sense of self. He's always around wherever and whenever Brian needs him, hoping that one day Brian will look at him the same way he looks at him. Well, that day never came. Throughout the course of the series, Michael showed selfless loyalty to Brian even if most of the time all he ever does is feed off of Michael's presence and doesn't give anything in return, so to say. Michael was not fazed by the fact that he will never have Brian the way he wants to. Brian's kisses will never mean as much to him as it does to Michael.
It's not so much about the unrequited love that gets me. It's the resolute stance to be there for Brian foregoing all his pain just because he loves him that much. Is that even remotely possible? How can anyone withstand that kind of torture? When should anyone in that kind of situation call it quits and move on? I can't answer that for you, much less for me. All my past relationships have been so bitter that I don't think I'm ever going to be able to give you an optimistic perspective. What I do know is that we have all been there too. We know how excruciating that pain is. So, how do we keep on going despite the pain?
We wait for the next episode, perhaps it will be the one we have all been waiting for. Hold that breath for a second and exhale it with glorious relief once that magical moment happens when all sorrows dissipate because of that one tender kiss that we have been eagerly wanting since the pilot. If it doesn't happen, well you can always turn the tv off or find yourself another series to watch.
xoxo
QB
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