14, I started smoking, drinking, and clubbing. While kids my age were busy being kids, I was in a hurry to grow up. I did what I thought grown-ups do; stay out all night, party, drink, smoke - basically what every parent tells their kids not to do. I come home just in time for breakfast after being out all night. The gates are locked and I am not allowed in until I have "reflected" on my actions and wrongdoings. Go to sleep for the rest of the day and get up late in the afternoon, shower and repeat the previous day's adventures.
By the time I was in uni, I had already exhausted all possible enjoyment that clubbing could give me. It started to bore me to the point that I just stopped going. I'd only be found in a bar if it was a friend's party or if there was some life event that had to be celebrated. Night outs have turned into stay-ins. Rather than going out, I'd just ask friends to come over my apartment and hang out. Fast forward to today, I still cannot find clubbing remotely enjoyable except for the pint of cold beer that keeps me company. The loud music doesn't help either as I seem to have developed an aversion to noise. I fancy conversation more than sweating it out on the dance floor. As you may know, conversations are almost impossible to have in a bar so you're left to look around for something interesting to occupy your mind with and fight off boredom.
Naturally, my eyes wander off to the sea of dazzling boys who populate every corner of the bar. Some are grinding it out with other people in the club, some are howling as if it added to the pleasure of the experience, others are heedlessly groping their partner's nasties and burying themselves in the other person's face. There are also those who, like me, are trying to figure out what made us come to the bar in the first place. Not being able to find an adequate reason, we'd spend the rest of the night trying to find a kindred soul in the midst of all the hubbub. Some get lucky finding someone to spend the night with while I sit in a corner, eyeing all the hot boys but lacking the courage to come up to any of them and introduce myself. I have never developed the kind of confidence that is required in such a situation. My shadow is a long list of insecurities coupled with a life-threatening fear of rejection. My fears and insecurities are so crippling that I put up a poker face whenever I go clubbing so as to give off an aura of confidence even if it's fake. I need to put up a face so I can get through the night without embarrassing myself in any way. It helps me keep my nerves in check so I can function as casually as is humanly possible. Socially awkward is what I am which is pretty unusual for a queen but hey we all have our quirks.
I remember the night my friends and I spent at a gay bar in London. We were on the side of River Thames opposite the London Eye to watch the fireworks ushering the new year. After all the festivities of welcoming 2009, we decided to cap the night off with a couple of drinks. Feeling a bit adventurous because of the spirit of the new year, we decided to hit a gay bar. All the bars that night were at full capacity and it took us quite a while to find one that didn't have a queue going around the block. Afer a bit of a walk around Soho, we finally found one, appropriately named Gay Bar. It had a long queue just like the others but theirs was a bit more tolerable. It had a feel of a red carpet event because they literally had a red carpet complete with bouncers and guest managers at the head of the queue controlling the entry of people. I was a bit skeptical about getting in because this bar seemed to have some sort of qualification for are allowing people in. We were dressed up for the occasion but so was everyone else and they haven't been allowed in. Thank the lucky stars that night because it did not take 5 minutes before the guest manager came up to us and asked us to go in. We were at the tail of the queue when he came. As we were walking towards the entrance, we were followed by the confused gaze of the people behind us who were still queuing.
Once inside, we were treated to a buffet of hot guys of all shapes and sizes. I could barely handle the delightful visual assault that came our way. In the course of that night, I managed to get rejected by 10 different men who were introduced to me. By rejection, I mean face to face, blunt, no euphemism style: not interested. We didn't even get past introduction. That did not stop me though from enjoying my night. I danced with wild abandon simply because I was in the city of my dreams. Even for that reason alone, I was inexplicably grateful. Walking out of the bar I had barely any ego left, it was mercilessly murdered by rejection that night.
Isn't it ironic that the world is filled with single men and women yet they can't seem to find a partner? Someone to call their own? One Tree Hill: six billion people, six billion souls and all you need is one. This to me is the biggest irony for people like me who are in search of that special person whom we can call our own. Just one, out of the billions of single people out there in the world, why can't I have one? And the same population of single people continues with their search but when presented with an opportunity to connect, they either shy away from it or reject it altogether. For the most part, I think it is mainly because we consciously or unconsciously impose our standards on the rest of the world: deciding who we think are "worthy" of our attention. It can be about a person's looks, confidence, fashion style or general vibe.
Whatever it is, we are being hindered from experiencing a potentially meaningful connection with another human being just because we have decided that they are not worth it. They did not pass our qualifications much like the people who were still in line after my friends and I were asked to enter the bar. It is not necessarily evil to have standards but we miss out on opportunities to see the world in other people's eyes because we are caught up in the world we have in our head. We must not spend our entire lives inside our heads because the world is much bigger than what our minds can imagine it to be. I know what it's like to be inside one's head all the time, it's drab.
Apparently, queens do not get everything they want, how they want it and when they want it. What should a queen do? Only what's left to do - reign, that which she has power over. The fact is, no one has the power to compel anyone to be interested in them; no one has control over other people's feelings nor thoughts. One can only hope that they would be allowed in, to see how gorgeous it is inside and to hear how wonderful the music is. Perhaps by getting in, they might find themselves dancing to the same tune, oblivious to everything else. Nothing else would matter but that moment of connection - beautiful in its rarity.
xoxo
QB
By the time I was in uni, I had already exhausted all possible enjoyment that clubbing could give me. It started to bore me to the point that I just stopped going. I'd only be found in a bar if it was a friend's party or if there was some life event that had to be celebrated. Night outs have turned into stay-ins. Rather than going out, I'd just ask friends to come over my apartment and hang out. Fast forward to today, I still cannot find clubbing remotely enjoyable except for the pint of cold beer that keeps me company. The loud music doesn't help either as I seem to have developed an aversion to noise. I fancy conversation more than sweating it out on the dance floor. As you may know, conversations are almost impossible to have in a bar so you're left to look around for something interesting to occupy your mind with and fight off boredom.
Naturally, my eyes wander off to the sea of dazzling boys who populate every corner of the bar. Some are grinding it out with other people in the club, some are howling as if it added to the pleasure of the experience, others are heedlessly groping their partner's nasties and burying themselves in the other person's face. There are also those who, like me, are trying to figure out what made us come to the bar in the first place. Not being able to find an adequate reason, we'd spend the rest of the night trying to find a kindred soul in the midst of all the hubbub. Some get lucky finding someone to spend the night with while I sit in a corner, eyeing all the hot boys but lacking the courage to come up to any of them and introduce myself. I have never developed the kind of confidence that is required in such a situation. My shadow is a long list of insecurities coupled with a life-threatening fear of rejection. My fears and insecurities are so crippling that I put up a poker face whenever I go clubbing so as to give off an aura of confidence even if it's fake. I need to put up a face so I can get through the night without embarrassing myself in any way. It helps me keep my nerves in check so I can function as casually as is humanly possible. Socially awkward is what I am which is pretty unusual for a queen but hey we all have our quirks.
I remember the night my friends and I spent at a gay bar in London. We were on the side of River Thames opposite the London Eye to watch the fireworks ushering the new year. After all the festivities of welcoming 2009, we decided to cap the night off with a couple of drinks. Feeling a bit adventurous because of the spirit of the new year, we decided to hit a gay bar. All the bars that night were at full capacity and it took us quite a while to find one that didn't have a queue going around the block. Afer a bit of a walk around Soho, we finally found one, appropriately named Gay Bar. It had a long queue just like the others but theirs was a bit more tolerable. It had a feel of a red carpet event because they literally had a red carpet complete with bouncers and guest managers at the head of the queue controlling the entry of people. I was a bit skeptical about getting in because this bar seemed to have some sort of qualification for are allowing people in. We were dressed up for the occasion but so was everyone else and they haven't been allowed in. Thank the lucky stars that night because it did not take 5 minutes before the guest manager came up to us and asked us to go in. We were at the tail of the queue when he came. As we were walking towards the entrance, we were followed by the confused gaze of the people behind us who were still queuing.
Once inside, we were treated to a buffet of hot guys of all shapes and sizes. I could barely handle the delightful visual assault that came our way. In the course of that night, I managed to get rejected by 10 different men who were introduced to me. By rejection, I mean face to face, blunt, no euphemism style: not interested. We didn't even get past introduction. That did not stop me though from enjoying my night. I danced with wild abandon simply because I was in the city of my dreams. Even for that reason alone, I was inexplicably grateful. Walking out of the bar I had barely any ego left, it was mercilessly murdered by rejection that night.
Isn't it ironic that the world is filled with single men and women yet they can't seem to find a partner? Someone to call their own? One Tree Hill: six billion people, six billion souls and all you need is one. This to me is the biggest irony for people like me who are in search of that special person whom we can call our own. Just one, out of the billions of single people out there in the world, why can't I have one? And the same population of single people continues with their search but when presented with an opportunity to connect, they either shy away from it or reject it altogether. For the most part, I think it is mainly because we consciously or unconsciously impose our standards on the rest of the world: deciding who we think are "worthy" of our attention. It can be about a person's looks, confidence, fashion style or general vibe.
Whatever it is, we are being hindered from experiencing a potentially meaningful connection with another human being just because we have decided that they are not worth it. They did not pass our qualifications much like the people who were still in line after my friends and I were asked to enter the bar. It is not necessarily evil to have standards but we miss out on opportunities to see the world in other people's eyes because we are caught up in the world we have in our head. We must not spend our entire lives inside our heads because the world is much bigger than what our minds can imagine it to be. I know what it's like to be inside one's head all the time, it's drab.
Apparently, queens do not get everything they want, how they want it and when they want it. What should a queen do? Only what's left to do - reign, that which she has power over. The fact is, no one has the power to compel anyone to be interested in them; no one has control over other people's feelings nor thoughts. One can only hope that they would be allowed in, to see how gorgeous it is inside and to hear how wonderful the music is. Perhaps by getting in, they might find themselves dancing to the same tune, oblivious to everything else. Nothing else would matter but that moment of connection - beautiful in its rarity.
xoxo
QB
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