The Queen's Princess

A couple of months ago I moved out of my dad's house. Since then, I have not seen my siblings until a few days ago. I didn't have anything planned for that day. All I knew was that I missed them so much that I just had to see them and spend the day with them. I picked them up from my dad's house and took them to IKEA for breakfast. IKEA's breakfast meal is extremely popular in this part of the world and was sorely missed for a month since they couldn't serve it during Ramadan (the month where Muslims fast in the daytime).

After a sumptuous meal, we made our way around the store and found a few interesting items. I didn't get to pick one up because I was so distracted thinking about where to take them next. On the way back to the car I was still thinking about what to do next. I asked my sister (she's 10) where she wanted to go. No surprise, she wanted to go to the mini theme park / arcade. So I took us to another mall where the arcade is. After a few rounds of gaming, we walked around the mall and she asked if she could look at a few things at this children's bookstore that she loves. We went there and I spent a good half hour following her around while she combed through the shelves trying to pick out an item she wants. After what seemed like a lifetime she finally found one item, a book and asked me if she could have it. Went to the counter to pay for it and as soon as I hand her the book, she gave me the tightest hug she has ever given me. She was floored to have that book. It was a sort of diary which had pages of various quotes and questions that she could answer - mostly about her and what goes on in her mind. The look in her eyes was unmistakably that of pure joy. It warmed my heart to see that in her eyes. It made me sort of jealous that she still has that innocence of being able to appreciate the littlest things and find joy in them.

I would assume that we all still have that little kid inside of us. There are days when we'd like to be a kid again, wide-eyed - looking at the world for the first time. Every image and sensation would be exciting; well perhaps every new thing is exactly that. There will be a sense of wonder and amazement, discovery, and mystery. In an earlier post, I said that we all go through heartbreaks and no one comes out of it unscathed. We all bear a scar that reminds us of the hard-won victories we attained and the battles that we fought. Unfortunately (or fortunately, you decide), I came out with colored spectacles and tainted thoughts. I could no longer look at things the way I once did. I tend to look at things now with pre-emptive bitterness, only to shield myself from perceived inevitable disappointment. Cynical would be an understatement. I found it more effective to shield myself from frustrations by anticipating it. That way, when I do get disappointed, I would have already prepared myself well in advance to allow me to maneuver through it with ease. I'm not telling you that it's completely effective or that it is the perfect way to handle issues. I just find it more suited to my personal values and ideology.

My cynicism, however, has not hindered me from being happy for other people especially my friends. In fact, a guilty pleasure of mine is feeding off of their happiness and living vicariously through their lives. I champion their causes and beliefs because that is the way that I express my support. Most of the time people come to me for advice thinking that I am the level-headed one. I'd love to think that I am although the truth is I made them see me as such by consciously portraying a calm & collected version of myself. My inner battles portray a stark contrast with what I consciously depict on the outside. Much of it has to do with my belief that if I "faked it" I would eventually "feel it." So far, I still am faking it most of the time and I don't see it changing anytime soon. Gloomy perhaps but I am not in the least bit worried or pessimistic about it. I will go on living one day at a time because that's the only way I know how to deal with the past without breaking down and somehow hope for a new day that would be much better than the day before.

That day with my siblings allowed me a rare glimpse into a long-forgotten innocence that has since been replaced by cynicism. There is still perhaps a spot in my spectacles that has not been colored yet. I eagerly await the day when the rain will come and wash all the colors away so that the next time I take my siblings out, I can see what they see as clearly as they can.


xoxo


QB