Have you ever been told two opposing ideas simultaneously by the same person? I have, repeatedly. It concerns my behavior and how I am inadvertently scaring potential partners away because of my headstrong persona that borders on being overbearing. Growing up insecure, I have constantly been conscious about the way I behave around people. Every time I am in a social gathering, I am conscious about the way I talk, the way I dress or the way that I present myself. My actions must be calculated and appropriate at all times with every effort concerted at avoiding making a fool out of myself. While I could laugh as ridiculously loud as anyone can, I'd much rather stick to casual hushed conversations so that I don't risk looking silly. In a nutshell, I am not completely comfortable in my own skin.
The walls of my castle are meant to intimidate possible looters. In the actual sense, they are meant to project a certain sense of balance and strength, ultimately to exude confidence. Insecure people tend to overcompensate on things that they have like the gadgets they carry or the cars they drive. It can be anything. In my case, it is confidence. For people who are close to me, they know all too well how confident I am - I'm not. They know that the air of arrogance that I project is just a mask of the jelly-like self-esteem that I have. I go about telling friends that I can do "cool" things like come up to a hot guy and get his number or something but when crunch time comes, I fold underneath the pressure. I just couldn't do it. It used to be a lot worse when I was in my awkward teen years trying to figure out how to deal with my emotions and picking out a personality that best fits me. I always tell stories to new acquaintances about my college life and rarely if ever, about my high school life. It sucked to say the least because while I enjoyed a moderate amount of popularity and coolness in high school, I was all chaos inside. Most of that time was spent on overachieving academically because that seemed to be the only thing that I was good at. So, I don't tell them about how I was in high school because I simply don't have enough cool stories to tell. For all intents and purposes, I was a geek who somehow found a way to be one without risking being sent to social Siberia.
There is truth in the anecdote that those who can't do, teach because that is pretty much the only interesting thing that I can bring to the table. I can teach people how to manipulate situations to make them favorable to their cause but am unable to do them myself. It is an acquired "talent" of mine to be able to read people through their actions and come up with a plausible action plan for those in need, to make people bend to their will (in a sense). It is like creating situations that would lead to a desired conclusion. It is mostly about knowing what you really want and identifying the steps that will get you the results that you desire. Telling people what to do has always been easier for me than doing them myself because as I've said before, one of my biggest fears is rejection.
So, whenever I am told to do things by other people, I find it incomprehensibly difficult because I lack a real sense of self-esteem. The very little amount of confidence I have is just enough to build walls to fend off intruders because if they get inside the castle, they would know how weak the foundations are and how easy it will be to loot and destroy. It was only in college when I found a modicum of self-confidence by surrounding myself with popular and "powerful" friends. Popularity by association allowed me to find my own brand of person to project to the world. Having the "cool" kids as friends taught me how to be "one." Being with them almost 24 hours everyday gave me enough courage to place my feet firmly on the ground and mark my own territory. When the time came to ascend to the throne of "Queen Bee" I was more than prepared to exact my reign over my subjects. It was such a blast because it was the complete opposite of what I was truly feeling inside. Perception is a powerful weapon against antagonists hence I used it to the fullest extent. Being perceived as a powerful and influential person got me the results I wanted in almost every situation that I found myself to be in. I was able to command silence just by walking into a room and earned people's awe just by speaking my mind. There was a certain high in being able to reign over your peers with such power and finality. It was an uplifting experience because for the first time, I felt that I mattered, that my opinions carried weight that was more than enough to make it a law. What I say goes, that is how it was most of the time because another trick that I learned was knowing when to be a benevolent ruler and when to lay down the law.
What I didn't realize then was that the power I was able to amass was slowly turning me into a horrible person. I started feigning concern over my subjects plight and was more concerned about perpetuating the power of my kingdom. I started to become indifferent to the cause of the people around me because I was hell bent on exacting my rule now that I have power to do it. I failed my subjects because that is what power does to you - it corrupts even the purest intentions especially if used by someone who has a lot of baggage inside themselves. That power was intoxicating because it allowed me to quash the voice of that little boy inside me who was desperately calling out for help and attention. Why would his voice matter now that the outside world is flush with the abundance of attention and influence - things that I once wanted secretly and am now experiencing.
Looking back now makes me think that all of that was nothing but a creation of my mind. That power that I wielded was how I overcompensated for the lack of attention and love that I have been craving for ever since I took my first step. The truth is, no matter how intoxicating that power was, like any other high, it will inevitably die down because what goes up must come down. Gravity. At the end of the day, the queen, while enjoying the power she has, goes to bed with her subjects abstract loyalty but no one beside her to show her real love. No one to pay attention to her silent pleas that have been quashed by the deafening sound of her gavel. She goes to sleep with the weight of her kingdom but no one to carry that weight with. She will have to bear them on her shoulders alone. How long do you think a queen can last that? Not long I guess because I am a total mess today. Clueless as to what to do with all that power when all I want is to share my magic moments with someone who understands the language of my soul. How can anyone understand it now when I have built sky-high walls around my kingdom with no way to see what's inside or hear my pronouncements.
It is a flaw of my character, overdoing things because my mind works on the extremes. I am either extremely awesome at what I do or completely incompetent. I can't seem to find any middle ground in anything I do. I hate uncertainty and so I take things to either be black or white - no grey areas. That is why I get so confused when I am told to be personable and yet when I get around to do it, I'd be called out for being such a slut. Now when I do the opposite, I am called out for being a bitch. Can't I just be me and that's it? All flaws and strengths. Just me?
How do you find the middle ground? Well, if I knew how I wouldn't be writing this blog. However, I still hope that someday someone will come to teach me where that middle ground is by tearing down my walls and building my foundation rather than looting the castle. Are you out there? Perhaps. Perhaps not. If you are, I hope you come in time while I'm still sentient and sane because all this faking confidence is using up all my brain cells and I think I'm using them faster than my body can produce new ones. To you reading this, I don't have any clear moral that I can share about this story. Just take this as my first real conversation with you. Not trying to impress you with constructed theses or highfalutin words. This is me.
xoxo
your Queen
QB
The walls of my castle are meant to intimidate possible looters. In the actual sense, they are meant to project a certain sense of balance and strength, ultimately to exude confidence. Insecure people tend to overcompensate on things that they have like the gadgets they carry or the cars they drive. It can be anything. In my case, it is confidence. For people who are close to me, they know all too well how confident I am - I'm not. They know that the air of arrogance that I project is just a mask of the jelly-like self-esteem that I have. I go about telling friends that I can do "cool" things like come up to a hot guy and get his number or something but when crunch time comes, I fold underneath the pressure. I just couldn't do it. It used to be a lot worse when I was in my awkward teen years trying to figure out how to deal with my emotions and picking out a personality that best fits me. I always tell stories to new acquaintances about my college life and rarely if ever, about my high school life. It sucked to say the least because while I enjoyed a moderate amount of popularity and coolness in high school, I was all chaos inside. Most of that time was spent on overachieving academically because that seemed to be the only thing that I was good at. So, I don't tell them about how I was in high school because I simply don't have enough cool stories to tell. For all intents and purposes, I was a geek who somehow found a way to be one without risking being sent to social Siberia.
There is truth in the anecdote that those who can't do, teach because that is pretty much the only interesting thing that I can bring to the table. I can teach people how to manipulate situations to make them favorable to their cause but am unable to do them myself. It is an acquired "talent" of mine to be able to read people through their actions and come up with a plausible action plan for those in need, to make people bend to their will (in a sense). It is like creating situations that would lead to a desired conclusion. It is mostly about knowing what you really want and identifying the steps that will get you the results that you desire. Telling people what to do has always been easier for me than doing them myself because as I've said before, one of my biggest fears is rejection.
So, whenever I am told to do things by other people, I find it incomprehensibly difficult because I lack a real sense of self-esteem. The very little amount of confidence I have is just enough to build walls to fend off intruders because if they get inside the castle, they would know how weak the foundations are and how easy it will be to loot and destroy. It was only in college when I found a modicum of self-confidence by surrounding myself with popular and "powerful" friends. Popularity by association allowed me to find my own brand of person to project to the world. Having the "cool" kids as friends taught me how to be "one." Being with them almost 24 hours everyday gave me enough courage to place my feet firmly on the ground and mark my own territory. When the time came to ascend to the throne of "Queen Bee" I was more than prepared to exact my reign over my subjects. It was such a blast because it was the complete opposite of what I was truly feeling inside. Perception is a powerful weapon against antagonists hence I used it to the fullest extent. Being perceived as a powerful and influential person got me the results I wanted in almost every situation that I found myself to be in. I was able to command silence just by walking into a room and earned people's awe just by speaking my mind. There was a certain high in being able to reign over your peers with such power and finality. It was an uplifting experience because for the first time, I felt that I mattered, that my opinions carried weight that was more than enough to make it a law. What I say goes, that is how it was most of the time because another trick that I learned was knowing when to be a benevolent ruler and when to lay down the law.
What I didn't realize then was that the power I was able to amass was slowly turning me into a horrible person. I started feigning concern over my subjects plight and was more concerned about perpetuating the power of my kingdom. I started to become indifferent to the cause of the people around me because I was hell bent on exacting my rule now that I have power to do it. I failed my subjects because that is what power does to you - it corrupts even the purest intentions especially if used by someone who has a lot of baggage inside themselves. That power was intoxicating because it allowed me to quash the voice of that little boy inside me who was desperately calling out for help and attention. Why would his voice matter now that the outside world is flush with the abundance of attention and influence - things that I once wanted secretly and am now experiencing.
Looking back now makes me think that all of that was nothing but a creation of my mind. That power that I wielded was how I overcompensated for the lack of attention and love that I have been craving for ever since I took my first step. The truth is, no matter how intoxicating that power was, like any other high, it will inevitably die down because what goes up must come down. Gravity. At the end of the day, the queen, while enjoying the power she has, goes to bed with her subjects abstract loyalty but no one beside her to show her real love. No one to pay attention to her silent pleas that have been quashed by the deafening sound of her gavel. She goes to sleep with the weight of her kingdom but no one to carry that weight with. She will have to bear them on her shoulders alone. How long do you think a queen can last that? Not long I guess because I am a total mess today. Clueless as to what to do with all that power when all I want is to share my magic moments with someone who understands the language of my soul. How can anyone understand it now when I have built sky-high walls around my kingdom with no way to see what's inside or hear my pronouncements.
It is a flaw of my character, overdoing things because my mind works on the extremes. I am either extremely awesome at what I do or completely incompetent. I can't seem to find any middle ground in anything I do. I hate uncertainty and so I take things to either be black or white - no grey areas. That is why I get so confused when I am told to be personable and yet when I get around to do it, I'd be called out for being such a slut. Now when I do the opposite, I am called out for being a bitch. Can't I just be me and that's it? All flaws and strengths. Just me?
How do you find the middle ground? Well, if I knew how I wouldn't be writing this blog. However, I still hope that someday someone will come to teach me where that middle ground is by tearing down my walls and building my foundation rather than looting the castle. Are you out there? Perhaps. Perhaps not. If you are, I hope you come in time while I'm still sentient and sane because all this faking confidence is using up all my brain cells and I think I'm using them faster than my body can produce new ones. To you reading this, I don't have any clear moral that I can share about this story. Just take this as my first real conversation with you. Not trying to impress you with constructed theses or highfalutin words. This is me.
xoxo
your Queen
QB
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