After 31 posts, I have managed to stay committed to this endeavor even though the stats have been bleak on this page. It doesn't matter because for the first time in a long time, I feel a resolute sense of commitment towards an endeavor that I started. I will not allow this one to turn into every other past endeavor that is now sitting idly back in the corner of my closet. This time will be different. Here's to hoping.
While the intention is to make this endeavor different, my posts have clearly not changed much. They are more or less about finding my place in this world and finding someone to share that place with. It's an incessant need to make sense out of the chaos inside my head where the majority of my battles are fought. Like any other need, this one has to be fulfilled but it is also not like other needs that can be satisfied by following a clearly laid out path. This one is fraught with confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty. Yesterday I told you about my aversion towards uncertainty. Controlling my circumstances are central to my daily efforts at life. It is only with certainty that I feel balanced and grounded.
Finding one's place in this world and a person to share that with are two of the most prolific desires of the human psyche. I believe that is is an innate hunger for every human to connect with his/her surrounding and find belongingness with other people who are in the same environment. Funnily, not everyone enjoys the luxury of having these two desires occur simultaneously. Some don't even get to experience any of them and are left to deal with solitude. So the question I am asking today is how does a queen fit in a world that is moving faster than one's thoughts? How can she catch up with the ever-changing demands of social relations and the constant transformations of reality?
The walls of the castle have been so effective in keeping evil people out but it has also effectively kept everyone else out, including the good ones that the queen would like to interact with. Putting them up was intended to shield the queen from all the dangers that are lurking in the outside world. She was once a part of that world and it turned her innocence into willful cynicism. She has made many attempts to interact with the world outside the walls of her castle but in each encounter, her cynicisms are continuously proven credible. No one wants to be cloistered up behind concrete walls where no light and sound can escape nor come in but when both light and sound become too much to handle that it burns you on sight, where shall the queen find respite then? Even this question is laden with cynicism. Can't help it. Through the years I have learned to master the art of preparing for the worst but only rarely do get the chance to expect the best.
Self-fulfilling prophecy, that's what it is. I came across this concept back in college when I was told that I was always setting myself up for disappointment both consciously and unconsciously. How does one do that? It all boils down to one's mindset. Risking oversimplification, let me state this as a condition where a person by virtue of his/her past experiences, start to perceive a pattern forming from them, a sort of central thesis which encompasses all failures and victories. Since we are all subject to negative bias, people like me tend to zoom in on the negative patterns that surface. With a weak foundation, the recourse is almost always to curl up into a ball since it is known to be the safest position to assume when being attacked. With danger coming from all directions, there is a tendency to assume this position for longer periods of time until it becomes a person's natural state.
Having this as one's natural state makes a person terrified to unlock his/her curl for fear of an impending attack. The world is out to get you is the mindset. For a queen, any attack is seen as an attempt to dethrone her and take away the only thing she has in this world - her kingdom (or queendom if one has to assert political correctness). Her castle has been looted so many times and each one has left her depleted, almost unable to move out of complete consternation. How does one pick up the pieces and rise from the rubbles? One piece, one rubble at a time. There is a choice to be made, to use the rubbles as material with which to strengthen the foundations of the castle or use them to build stronger and higher walls. I chose the latter. Now, I am left with an edifice that can put the Great Wall of China to shame but unlike this wonder of the world, my edifice has no visitors, not even onlookers who are curious to see what's behind the walls.
If one day someone decides to climb the wall, I will not order his death. Instead, I will have a red carpet laid and have the royal guards escort him to the throne room where I will be waiting with a sign that reads: Welcome my liege, your throne awaits.
xoxo
QB
While the intention is to make this endeavor different, my posts have clearly not changed much. They are more or less about finding my place in this world and finding someone to share that place with. It's an incessant need to make sense out of the chaos inside my head where the majority of my battles are fought. Like any other need, this one has to be fulfilled but it is also not like other needs that can be satisfied by following a clearly laid out path. This one is fraught with confusion, anxiety, and uncertainty. Yesterday I told you about my aversion towards uncertainty. Controlling my circumstances are central to my daily efforts at life. It is only with certainty that I feel balanced and grounded.
Finding one's place in this world and a person to share that with are two of the most prolific desires of the human psyche. I believe that is is an innate hunger for every human to connect with his/her surrounding and find belongingness with other people who are in the same environment. Funnily, not everyone enjoys the luxury of having these two desires occur simultaneously. Some don't even get to experience any of them and are left to deal with solitude. So the question I am asking today is how does a queen fit in a world that is moving faster than one's thoughts? How can she catch up with the ever-changing demands of social relations and the constant transformations of reality?
The walls of the castle have been so effective in keeping evil people out but it has also effectively kept everyone else out, including the good ones that the queen would like to interact with. Putting them up was intended to shield the queen from all the dangers that are lurking in the outside world. She was once a part of that world and it turned her innocence into willful cynicism. She has made many attempts to interact with the world outside the walls of her castle but in each encounter, her cynicisms are continuously proven credible. No one wants to be cloistered up behind concrete walls where no light and sound can escape nor come in but when both light and sound become too much to handle that it burns you on sight, where shall the queen find respite then? Even this question is laden with cynicism. Can't help it. Through the years I have learned to master the art of preparing for the worst but only rarely do get the chance to expect the best.
Self-fulfilling prophecy, that's what it is. I came across this concept back in college when I was told that I was always setting myself up for disappointment both consciously and unconsciously. How does one do that? It all boils down to one's mindset. Risking oversimplification, let me state this as a condition where a person by virtue of his/her past experiences, start to perceive a pattern forming from them, a sort of central thesis which encompasses all failures and victories. Since we are all subject to negative bias, people like me tend to zoom in on the negative patterns that surface. With a weak foundation, the recourse is almost always to curl up into a ball since it is known to be the safest position to assume when being attacked. With danger coming from all directions, there is a tendency to assume this position for longer periods of time until it becomes a person's natural state.
Having this as one's natural state makes a person terrified to unlock his/her curl for fear of an impending attack. The world is out to get you is the mindset. For a queen, any attack is seen as an attempt to dethrone her and take away the only thing she has in this world - her kingdom (or queendom if one has to assert political correctness). Her castle has been looted so many times and each one has left her depleted, almost unable to move out of complete consternation. How does one pick up the pieces and rise from the rubbles? One piece, one rubble at a time. There is a choice to be made, to use the rubbles as material with which to strengthen the foundations of the castle or use them to build stronger and higher walls. I chose the latter. Now, I am left with an edifice that can put the Great Wall of China to shame but unlike this wonder of the world, my edifice has no visitors, not even onlookers who are curious to see what's behind the walls.
If one day someone decides to climb the wall, I will not order his death. Instead, I will have a red carpet laid and have the royal guards escort him to the throne room where I will be waiting with a sign that reads: Welcome my liege, your throne awaits.
xoxo
QB
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