I had to grow up early and by this I mean that I didn't get to have a childhood unlike most people. My early days were spent reading books and perfecting my school work. That is all there is to my childhood. I didn't have the chance to run around the house and make a mess because I was taught to be prim and proper at all times. I didn't have the luxury of basking in the sun's warmth outside because I was not allowed to go past our front gates for fear of burning my skin to a crisp just because I wanted to go out and play. The very few times I managed to sneak out, the maid came running after me, parasol in hand, to keep the sun from laying its hands on my delicate skin.
Truth be told I could not understand why I just couldn't be like every other kid in the block. They had bruises all over their bodies from playing and running around in the streets, yet, they went home happy and contented even if they're in pain. I, on the other hand, was sheltered and safe but it was like an out of body experience where my insides didn't match what was happening outside.
Now that I am grey and old, I wish so much to be able to turn back time and reclaim my innocence, be a kid, as careless and carefree as can be. Sadly, a Spock looks back at me every time I face a mirror. He tells me that such a desire is foolish and juvenile, useless at best. He knows from experience that only logical and rational things must prevail in life lest risk his own safety. Then again, is that all that life can be for me? Safe?
As much as I'd like to take risks and see where they would take me, I literally don't know how to let go. Being in control is as essential to me as air. It is impossibly hard to turn off my defenses because they are what kept me alive to this day. My walls have been built so high and thick so I can keep my sanity.
All of that now are out the window, someone came along, took a swing at my walls and they all came tumbling down like a house of cards. How and why this happened are a mystery. It just did. I only know when but everything else is a blur. It's hard being Spock. You get overwhelmed not by vicious attacks but by the sudden bouts of emotions that come rushing through you at an unexpected moment. You are left defenseless because the guards you have built all your life were not meant to withstand emotions. I loathe not being in control; or the feeling of needing and wanting someone else so badly. That's it for now I guess.
Truth be told I could not understand why I just couldn't be like every other kid in the block. They had bruises all over their bodies from playing and running around in the streets, yet, they went home happy and contented even if they're in pain. I, on the other hand, was sheltered and safe but it was like an out of body experience where my insides didn't match what was happening outside.
Now that I am grey and old, I wish so much to be able to turn back time and reclaim my innocence, be a kid, as careless and carefree as can be. Sadly, a Spock looks back at me every time I face a mirror. He tells me that such a desire is foolish and juvenile, useless at best. He knows from experience that only logical and rational things must prevail in life lest risk his own safety. Then again, is that all that life can be for me? Safe?
As much as I'd like to take risks and see where they would take me, I literally don't know how to let go. Being in control is as essential to me as air. It is impossibly hard to turn off my defenses because they are what kept me alive to this day. My walls have been built so high and thick so I can keep my sanity.
All of that now are out the window, someone came along, took a swing at my walls and they all came tumbling down like a house of cards. How and why this happened are a mystery. It just did. I only know when but everything else is a blur. It's hard being Spock. You get overwhelmed not by vicious attacks but by the sudden bouts of emotions that come rushing through you at an unexpected moment. You are left defenseless because the guards you have built all your life were not meant to withstand emotions. I loathe not being in control; or the feeling of needing and wanting someone else so badly. That's it for now I guess.
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